Praise the pumpkin gods

I am the Pumpkin Queen. I have a bit of a love affair with all things pumpkin and have made it my goal to try as many pumpkin spice-related things this season and in all the autumns as long as I live. "There's nothing unique about that," you say. And you're right. It's not. But I'm not in the business of giving all that many fucks. So sit back and read and then get your ass out there and praise the pumpkin gods for these glorious gifts.

Friday, November 14, 2014

Nestle Toll House Pumpkin Spice Cookies


10/10 Amazing. The amount of spice I taste is more than I expected from these. The package says real Libby's pumpkin is used in the dough. You can sort of taste it (not as much as you can taste the Libby's pumpkin I use in my oatmeal). Still delicious nonetheless. What really wins me over are the white chocolate morsels. They add a nice, satisfying touch.

North Star Pumpkin Spice Ice Cream Sandwiches


7/10 I have never even heard of this brand. Who cares? It's pumpkin spice! That said, I was impressed with how these tasted. There wasn't much pumpkin and only a little of the spices, but all in all it was a tasty ice cream sandwich.

Thursday, November 6, 2014

Bubba Rose Pumpkin Spice Breakable Training Treat


10/10 This is a dog biscuit. No, I did not eat it. My dog wanted me to post this review. I'll have to translate from dog language to human English:

This was such a delicious treat. It smelled like a human cookie. My human broke off small chunks for me but I was looking for more! I LOVE THIS BISCUIT. ALL HUMANS MUST GIVE THEIR DOGS THIS BISCUIT.

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Trident Layers Pumpkin Spice gum


6/10 A few things went through my mind when I discovered this:

  1. Pumpkin spice....GUM?! wtf?
  2. It could taste good, I guess.
  3. Whatever, it's pumpkin spice and I have to try it.

So I did. And it was weird. I imagined I was in Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory and instead of the scene where Violet eats the gum before she blows up into a big blueberry it was me eating this gum. I think I would have turned into a giant pumpkin pie if the flavor didn't fade so quickly.

Burt's Bees Pumpkin Spice Lip Balm


8/10 Pumpkin spice everything, right? OF COURSE. Now a little known fact about me is my other love affair with lip balm. I can never get enough of all the different smells. Naturally I needed this lip balm when I saw it at Target. It doesn't smell like pumpkin spice and instead reminds me of chai tea. It gets a high score because it smells delicious and makes my lips soft. Two points knocked off for not smelling like pumpkin spice though.

Monday, October 27, 2014

Terra Pumpkin Spice Sweets Sweet Potato Chips


10/10 Honestly, I thought these were going to be disgusting. They are the exact opposite of disgusting! Thick with a satisfying crunch; the flavor of the sweet potato chip itself was much tastier than your average potato chip. The cinnamon, nutmeg and salt pair perfectly with the sweet potato. Highly recommended.

Trader Joe's Pumpkin Cream Cheese Spread


3/10 I'm very disappointed with this cream cheese. It is pretty tasteless. I was expecting so much more from this. I'm so unimpressed with this cream cheese that I can't think of anything else to say.

Saturday, October 18, 2014

The Bakery Pumpkin Spice Mini Cupcakes


8/10 At first I wasn't expecting much from these because of the disappointments in the name of pumpkin spice I've had, but I was pleasantly surprised with these. The cake part is a tasty spice cake; I could definitely taste the cinnamon and nutmeg. The frosting was delicious and not too sweet.

Thursday, October 16, 2014

Coracao Confections Pumpkin Spice Caramel Bar


10/10 This company makes raw confections free of dairy, gluten and soy. The ingredient list is much shorter than any mass produced chocolate out there and is far better tasting. I received this delectable gem from a very good friend and had to try a piece. I could not in good conscience let the bar sit unopened! So I cut off a square and bit into it. I closed my eyes and let the dark chocolate and pumpkin spice caramel filling melt on my tongue. I tasted all of the various spices: cinnamon, cloves, nutmeg, ginger, allspice. The sharp, sweet after effect of a really good dark chocolate lingered on my tongue after I chewed and swallowed the bite. I even tasted some cashew in there (they use cashew butter in the caramel). That small square was just enough of an indulgence as I packed away the rest of the bar. Such a treasure cannot be consumed in one sitting. That would be a waste!

There are four squares in one bar. That's four little indulgences for the pumpkin spice season. When I was done, I declared, "Now THAT'S pumpkin spice!" This chocolate is probably going to be the best item in this entire blog.

Saturday, October 11, 2014

Trader Joe's Dark Chocolate Pumpkin Spice Salted Caramels


4/10 How does one accurately review caramel-filled chocolate? Biting into it, of course. I wanted the quickest way to the caramel inside and was immediately disappointed. I didn't really taste any pumpkin spices in the caramel. It was sweet but also something else I can't quite put my finger on. Perhaps it's also because I'm just not a fan of salt in my chocolate (there is a hardened pat of salt on the top). It ruined it for me. I gave these a 4/10 score because the dark chocolate part wasn't bad.

Quaker Pumpkin Spice Instant Oatmeal


1/10 Unimpressive. Oatmeal with a glorified name. This is no pumpkin spice oatmeal. It's practically tasteless. From now on I'm sticking to my own oatmeal recipe using actual pumpkin and generous cinnamon and cloves. Now THAT is pumpkin spice oatmeal.

IHOP Pumpkin Pancakes


10/10 I don't really have words for the amazingness of these pancakes. All that comes to mind is a bunch of expletives emphasizing how great they are. But I'll try to describe them. The spices were certainly not skimped on and they were so fluffy and moist that syrup wasn't even necessary. The best part though? IHOP has made these a YEAR ROUND item.

Oikos Pumpkin Pie Greek Yogurt


6/10 My second go at a pumpkin pie yogurt was less impressive than the first. This brand was thicker and while it was tasty, I thought it was too sweet and didn't taste enough like "pumpkin pie."

Thursday, October 2, 2014

Almond Dream Pumpkin Spice Drink


10/10 This stuff is like liquid pumpkin pie. I'm not even exaggerating. Nothing else needs to be said about liquid pumpkin pie. This review is finished. (p.s. For an adult version of this drink, add some vanilla vodka. Trust me, it's quite delicious).

Pumpkin Spice Oreos


8/10 The best way to accurately judge an Oreo is to first taste the cream. I didn't like it alone. It tasted a bit like sweet plastic. Then I bit into the cookie part. Again, it was nothing special. It tasted like a vanilla Oreo with a little spice. And then I bit into all three layers and somehow the sweet plastic and the slightly spiced vanilla cookies worked. I can't even explain it. Just try it.

Jif Whips Pumpkin Pie Spice peanut butter


10/10 A little known fact about me is how much of a peanut butter snob I am. However when I saw this in the store I couldn't resist throwing it in the cart. At first I was put off by the light and "whipped" texture but none of that mattered as soon as the first morsel touched my tongue. Oh how glorious it was! The peanut butter was present but so were all the spices in a perfect marriage of deliciousness on my morning english muffin.

Planters Pumpkin Spice Almonds


10/10 Almonds are delicious. Pumpkin spices are delicious. These are everything a Pumpkin Queen could want. I could taste all the spices (cinnamon, nutmeg, cloves) that go into "pumpkin spice" and the fact that they're coating almonds just makes it an explosion of awesomeness in my mouth. There are many failures in pumpkin spice food items; this almost makes up for those.

Nestle Pumpkin Spice Morsels


6/10 These are really sweet. Now I like sweet, but these are just a little too sweet. No doubt they are tasty, but they didn't wow me. They tasted like morsels of white chocolate with cinnamon and nutmeg. And maybe some cloves.

Sunday, September 28, 2014

Little Bites pumpkin muffins


From here on out I'm going to give every item a rating. This one gets 7/10. They were moist and not too crumbly. The flavor was less "pumpkin" and more "hints of cinnamon and nutmeg." But that's what one expects from all things labeled "pumpkin." But I give these a higher score because they were like a tasty spice cake.

Saturday, September 27, 2014

Chobani Pumpkin Spice Greek Yogurt

Not too sour, none of that fake pumpkin flavor and with just the right amount of nutmeg and cinnamon, this yogurt is a success. Though I still prefer my own pumpkin yogurt (plain greek yogurt mixed with pumpkin puree, cinnamon, and sweetener to taste). But this does in a pinch when that need for a quick pumpkin spice fix overtakes me.

Pumpkin Wine

I'm going to get this vile liquid out of the way as my first post. I really wanted to like it. I mean, who could resist the words "pumpkin" and "spice" and "wine"? Not me. Well I sure learned my lesson fast upon first sip of this VILE crap. It tasted like cough medicine. I gave it a few more sips thinking it would get better. Nope. Down the drain. Seriously, do they even taste it before they bottle this stuff? Major fail.